The many faces of me

Every place I go to, it seems as if I forge a new identity. Somehow old contacts are forgotten, and the whole identity starts from scratch, from zero. Meeting new people, first impressions, the 'gang', and the whole new cup of socie-tea that I have to gulp down --- they never cease to amuse me. And the best part is, these first impressions go a long way in deciding what the rest of the stay will be like!

When we moved to a new colony, I met a new group of kids. Suddenly my old image of ''good batsman" was gone, and I was relegated to the position of a lackey fielder who was always placed in the ignominious corner of the field. Perhaps it helped me: because I shifted my attention to studies and did well in academics. However, I also lost that prime position in the field: no more opening batsman slots for me! Times changed, and along with them the circle of friends changed, too. When I shifted schools for class 12 and engineering entrance tuitions, everything suddenly shifted into academic mode. I used to see free-body diagrams in everything, and discusses similar things with friends. Consequently, the circle of friends I had there consisted exclusively of people who would think alike. I passed off as the mild-mannered gentleman who never swore, never mind the 'other' life that I lead. During a social gathering, one of my cousins actually asked or rather challenged me to swear aloud, and was really surprised to see that I could do that.

Then came the engineering college, where post ragging and post the unusual company of friends from all over in a hostel, it became difficult not to say a swear word as a placefiller for other words. And I found myself leading the verbal offensive in more than one occasion --- so I got a repute for myself. But then things toned down a lot, and I realized that it was actually not worth swearing when I could express myself otherwise. This, and coupled with the fact with my recent job suddenly brought to me a "good guy" image.

The fun part happens when people I know from different times met each other or had a glance of the other sides of my personalities. Friends from the engineering college are surprised to see a chivalrous me sometimes when I help others. Friends from my high school find it equally intriguing to see me swear aloud. My ex-girlfriend almost fell out of her chair when I talked dirty to her (she confessed she had expected that to never happen: thought she was stuck with a geek). My present room-mates burst out laughing when they met an old friend of mine and heard him describe me as the poster-child of good manners. And through this all, I observe them all like a detached observer, standing amidst all that happens around me, smiling to myself.

I wonder, who am I? Which of these faces is a mask and which is real? When I curse from within but the outside remains calm and serene, is it me? Or is it me when I am shouting obscenities to the black-marketeer at the cinema while I'm ashamed of all I utter inside? Is it me who goes down as the pinch hitter in crunch situations in the field? Or is it me who swears worse than a fishwife when someone manages to drop an easy catch in those situations? People have confessed to me that they haven't been able to figure me out: like the endgame challenge to the art of understanding people. I don't know --- the only person who perhaps knows and understands me is my mother. But I doubt if she knows it all, or will even believe if she sees it. I don't care, because I'm trying to find that out myself.