Where are you?

Where have you gone, my dear? I cannot write an email to you, because it will disturb your peace. I cannot write a regular blog post, because it will be available for all and you to see and know. I cannot do anything... I am helpless, hopeless.

There is a pain, in knowing that you are in pain. And that I am so helpless against it. I have been doing my part, trying to remain unresponsive, trying to forget that you ever existed as someone more than a friend in my life. But I cannot --- I really cannot. I cannot drive away dreams that I had about you. I cannot forget that you have that special position in my life and heart. See, even as I type this, my eyes well up and make me want to shout out and cry. I want to shout out loud, howl in pain because this is as bad as losing you. What about the silent prayers that go up sometimes, the wishes, the yearning for a little company? Every time you tell me that you'll call, I look forward to that day and time like my life depended on it. I can forget anything, but not when I will get to hear from you.

There is a lot of pain, my dear. I wish you understood. I wish you you understood that not getting a new years message from you after 5 days from new year is heart-rending. I wish you understood that I was looking forward to my birthday for a simple reason that I will get to talk to you. You know what, that day I had almost thought that you had forgot about it all. I would have been happier then, perhaps. Because then there wouldn't have been any loss. But you couldn't call during the day. You couldn't waste 5 precious minutes of your monthly quota to call me up! And when you do call during the free minutes, it is still a 5 minute call.

I cannot --- really cannot bear this much longer. It is really painful. You will not understand. You never will. And I don't know any way of growing out of this. For the first time in my life, I find something haunting me. I cannot let go: however calm I may be externally. And sometimes I wish I had never been into a relation with you at all. So that I would have been free and calm, living life my own merry way. But I am in now; and there is no way out

Please, please GOD: make her life better. Please take away all miseries from her life and give them to me. Please make her happy, cherubic and loving. Please take away all her worries, all sorrow and throw them upon me. I cannot be happier if that can happen. I honestly pray, dear God, please make this happen. Please bring her back to my life.

A year gone by, and a new beginning to the blog