I have a lot of friends. Some of them are guys, some others are girls. And I bond easily with almost anybody: be it a guy or a girl. I share a laugh, but also share their griefs. At any time, when you're down, you can come and talk to me. I have noticed that to 'be there' for someone, you don't really need to say much while you're by their side or on the phone or even on some chat/google talk call. All you need to do is to listen: everyone is happy when they find a place where they can unburden themselves. Most of the time, I can play that perfect listener, occasionally offering my opinion. And that brings me close to a lot of people.
The other day, one of my friends accidentally let slip that she has had a few arguments with her boyfriend over me being present in her life. I was very surprised... and although she quickly hushed the matter up, I reminisced that this isn't so new. One of my "muh-boli" sisters who was about to get married last November too had to do a lot of explaining to her husband after she had joked to him that I was her 'boyfriend'. So when this friend of mine revealed that her boyfriend had been very angry over me and all that, I was silent for a while. I started thinking of all the moments we had shared, and a lot of other things. After a while in my silence she became panicky: kept mentioning that she shouldn't have told me this, was scared of me getting to meet her boyfriend sometime and all that. I forced myself out of the reverie and began talking to her again... I postponed the train of thought for later calmer analysis.
I tend to get caught in these little quagmires. I can't help it --- I just somehow land up in these. I am just average looking, and am good company. I can make you laugh even when you're down, and am usually fun to be around with wherever you are. But it is my nature, and I can't help it! And neither do I want to help it. When I'm with friends, sometimes the couples are also there. When I crack a joke that makes the girl laugh, I can almost sense the guarded smile from the guy. One day we were playing cards and I managed to trump everyone else: somehow the atmosphere just tensed up after that. What can I do about it? I am not trying to prove myself superior --- for God's sake it was just a game!
The funny part is that I understand these guys' insecurities. Any guy too friendly with my own girlfriend, whenever I have one next, is bound to ruffle my feathers. I'm a guy, and I know how I think, and I'm sure thats how almost any guy thinks. The basic survival instinct, the basic competitive instinct is bound to be there: and I think from this stems the insecurity. No matter what my friend does and/or tries to do or say to convince him, only time can assure him of the limits of my presence in her life. I wish I could somehow go up to these guys inside their heads and tell them, "Dude, I'm not trying to steal your girlfriend!".
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38 comments:
For everyone, I'm sorry for such a long leave. But I can't do any explaining --- long story. Hope the post suffices for now :)
apology accepted :)
the post suffices (i'm so happy u wrote) but just for now, come back sooner this time.
oh and abt the post, u leave less to say, u said it urself u understand the insecurity... only its not just a guy thing i think we're all insecure abt ppl who're dear to us....even lil things like my closest frnd bein closer to someone else wud bother me sometimes...(just an example)
in most cases u cant do nuthin abt it, esp when ure on the other side...the one who's the insecure person's problem...but the one who has no fault of his!...its just the way it is.
How true it is !!
The male mentality is so very unsecured. You truly said, if their girlfriend is close to some male friend.. it haunts them but they don't mind any other girl to be close to them.
But I guess, this trait is present in girls also though not that much. Why ? B'coz when someone comes to girl's life, she tends to go away from her present male friends. I think the girls know that this would/could create problem later.
Nice post. :)
How surprising that this theme was on KTV last night. I think the movie was "Thottachinungi".
I have had similar experiences and I know how delicate it is. But life goes on.
hey king... hws it goin? apology accepted... bt i think this post more than makes up 4 it... i do relate 2 d predicament ur in... ive hd 2 sever many ties becz f d same reasons... i think it hs mr 2 do with d fact tat we r good listeners...
wen ur in a relationship u kind f get caught up in all d highs n lows f it and there r some things wich ud nvr tell ur spouse/significant othr bt wud tell a frend hu will listen... understand... and nt judge... i cn understnd d insecurities... bt d solution is tat they shud talk 2 one anothr... nt give in 2 jealousy...
Hummmmmmmm.A great topic..so so relevant in my case. Infact my guy claimed to leave me cauz this insecurity bug bit him and he just stopped believing in my sincerity of love.
Pity...saddens to think why can't guys see that love come across and only choose to make moutains out of molehills and drag a beautiful realtionship in miasma of distrust, misunderstandings and all that crap.
;)
Aren't humans a complicated lot? What wouldn't I give to see the world ruled by dogs....
My principal was a bit like a Doberman, but I don't think that counts, does it?
Hey BK
Firstly apology accepted with a big smile tht ur bck :)
Hmmm insecurity kisse nahi hoti all relationships r surfaced on this base..like as i wud say for example..aren't our parents insecure if prolly one day v dnt come home on time; aint our best frnd (or closest frnd as u may tke it) sometimes insecure tht more than my frship if they see us more close to othrs n u hve already said it urslf abt ur feelngs clearly n summin up the all the other's comments i wud also say Insecurity is just like a spice in this life without which maybe life wouldnt b life..I believe it even kinda makes u feel more demanded n importnt bt it shud draw its limits it shud nt gve rise to misunderstngs or ne any kinda mishaps..n overall u knw wt is so not ur fault tht u r gud listener or vry gud frnd if insecurity has to creep it does bt its in our hand hw v tactfully tackle it n m quite sure u knw hw to do it dnt u ;)
Grt post...
Hello :)
Apology accepted this time..but ure not gonna receive any welcome if u disappear again :P
Welcome back
You know u shud try looking the brighter side of such situations. Think this way - That guy is insecure abt ure presence in his gf's life...isnt that a hidden compliment to u?? You've written it urself...u are all for ur frnds, ure funny, ure a great company..who wudnt get insecure regarding u :p
On a serious note, even though its already been said in the previous comments, EVERYBODY has some or the other kind of insecurities in them..regarding whoever. But its nobody's fault..definitely not urs in this case!
"out out... you demons of stupidity"
that's how our hero dogbert would have put it if he had read this one....
well, the fundamental fact covering the universe is that "men and women both do amortized analysis with respect to the other" ....
go ahead sabs... come up with one more "men are from madival...women are from murugeshpalya" thing... the ultimate guide to understand the opposite sex!!!
oh my god.... why can't i just stop blabbng nonsense here.... well...wwhat does that signifyy anyway?? does it by the slightest of chances suggest to the mind that i am becoming what u have exsplained here.... time will answer.
After all, I AM A GILMA!!!
oops... forgot to tell what i actually wanted to...the post was AWESOME!
excuse me... is this not sabs??? Iam sorry if i got to the wrng page..
but my dear.....it's tougher being the girl in all this...u definitely don't want ur boyfriend feeling insecure yet u definitely don't want to be on the guard and not be able to laugh out loud or hang out with ur buddies.....
Vandita, thanks! Unfortunately yes, that is how life is!
Only if everyone understood what you say here, Cuckoo!
Jollyroger, yes --- is always a delicate situation! And I don't watch KTV: so I can't comment, really :)
Firewhisky, talking does help, I suppose. But I am sorry to hear that you had to give up a lot just because of similar troubles.
Annie, sorry to hear that too. Perhaps you're better off without an insecure person as he. I got your chat request on gmail --- I'm mostly online at late nights.
Princess, you're talking of the 'underdog' variety? :) Also, tell me, was the doberman "accidentally" unleashed by you? :)
Madhavi, thanks! I sure am trying to learn the ropes. Lets hope that I manage things well --- thanks for all the encouragement!
Neeraja, thank you! Yeah you're right -- maybe I should grin secretly that someone actually feels insecure because of me! :) And I don't intend to be absent for long, I promise!
Arun, no this is not Sabs! But well, thank you anyway. I suppose most of your first comment comprised of inside jokes: but I'll take the compliments anyway :)
You're right, Zee --- it must be tougher on the girl. But perhaps I'll never understand. I define my boundaries and my priorities, and don't let these things interfere with my personal relationships with anyone.
i totally agree - me being the "tom boy" of the group and being the only girl, was always the centre of attraction ... was totally ostracised by the girl friends and the wives of the friends, now though, that the initial roughness has calmed down, the girls and the wives regard me as lets say a call from office to the hubby- irritaing but necessary :D ... many a times, I happen to be the sounding board for these females
the insecurity though, cannot be wiped off 100%.
dat was quite honest!!
dnt knw wat shud i add or say....dats hw life is ...inne?
n dats hw ur posts are...too perfect to b said anything about or added to!
good job!
just came her after reading Cuckoo's post..I guess the fear of losing is so much overpowering in a male brain which encourages such insecurity..just like i said in cuckoo's blog there is no such issues if the couple really know well about each other..
there is so much ill will in this world that feeling suspicious comes naturally..
Wrote a post based on this post. Check it.
I think you are a really nice friend and someone who is there no matter what. I think it is this quality that makes people insecure because not everyone is like that. I think it is the insecure person that does not see the innocence in this friendship.
You 'The other guy' eh !
Arpz, yeah I understand... it must be tough on your part too. So you're the sounding board, eh? How deep does it go? :)
Thanks, Gunjan... boy I'm feeling flattered now!:)
Yes, Matthew, suspicion and all that. But what you say is correct: knowing the other person and trust in your knowledge is they key to the solution!
Cuckoo, so I inspired you to chirp some more? :) Just kidding... will see your post soon!
Starry Nights, thank you... those are very kind words indeed. Lets hope that others see it.
Dushti, yeah... I'm Duprene!
well thts somethin to ponder upon...
love comes with insecurities as a package deal...but thn both the ppl in love have to learn to manage thm...
As for close friends, im sure we know limits wch shudent be crossed...so if u confident enough tht u not trading thm, be rest assured the insecurities felt due to ur presence will soon be sorted out...
dont worry and juss hang in there...the friendship needs u :)
tk care!
Wel BK...
Sure champ u'l isn't tht much evident n somethng really ur way n u dnt need encouragement do u :P(jus kiddng) u r the one who inspires everyone dnt u.Bt whenevr need anyone i cn assure u of my name among the wanted ones for sure :)
Came here from Cuckoo's blog.. Yes, we do feel insecure when our girl gets close to a member of opposite sex..But as long as both are comfortable with their boundaries and knows each other well, its not going to be an issue.. Basically an agreement on limits has to be reached :)
Long time no see, Pri! Thanks for those kind words: I too hope that the insecurities are sorted out quickly.
Madho, so now your name appears on the "Wanted" list? Hmm... interesting! :P
Ajith, welcome... and yes, defining boundaries is the key indeed!
:) true but as zee said its much worse being on the girls side...but again...I guess the 2 have their own share of head-aches ;)
welcome back :)
n to tell u honestly u hav not experienced anything new ..this actually happen when u love someone so much ...and in girls its like hell ..i m also victim of this fear ( to be very honest ) ..n u cant tell those guys that u not steal their gf cus ..this is inbuilt ..i still don know how to cope with fear or insecurity ..but i believe if his gf give him more attention and admit her lovfe to him then this prob can be resolved ...but still i don know :)
BK..
I indicated indirectly to most wanted list in ur list samjhe nt tht wanted list for sure..ab waise b this Madho does interestng thngs after all hum Black king k khaas e khaas hai na ;)
Di, I suppose the two genders will never really understand each other so well --- we all carry our own baggage! :)
Chitrangada, thank you --- if only everyone understood this and could strengthen their loves so much that others understood. But you're right: expression is the key.
Madho, haan ji -- aap khas-e-khaas to ho. And I did understand what you meant --- mine was just an addition to the soup! :)
:DDDDDDDDDDDD
Hullo Black King, The last paragraph of your post just explains the rest of it. Life is like that, and life will be like that only:-)
Damn -- and I thought these things only happened with girls! Man, is it such a hot topic of debate for girls... when they deal with their bf's "lady friends." But honestly, I thought that most guys were cool with each other. Hmmm food for thought.
Hey! That was a great one. I knew girls had such issues but interesting to know that even guys had them. Also, its more difficult being the girl in this case because she has to take care not to hurt either the boyfriend or the friend and also to take care of herself.But all this would not happen if the couples knew each other well and had faith in their love for each other. But that's a rare thing!!
Hey Divya, long time no see. You're right --- only if it went inside.
Princess, this doesn't happen with every guy I think --- maybe I'm the unlucky one!
Alpine path, faith in love and all that --- one can only wish! :)
Well.. From what I have observed, I feel that men are more possessive than women. And men are better at hiding them than women.. In ur case, the guys have come out strongly.. :)
Nice post!
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm....
u enjoi being the pt of envy.. dont u.. ? ;) i knw wat went thru u wen u wrote this post. pride.. and only pride.. :-)
Intresting write up [:)] .I like d way u think and d way u write.TC.
Vivek, thank you --- and yes I agree that we the men are better at hiding these feelings than others.
Nasia, I think a part of it was pride. The other part was indignation, believe me!
Nightingale, thank you and welcome! I will visit your blog, for sure! :)
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