- I woke up early in the morning and told my room-mate, "Something is wrong --- I feel like bathing so early on a weekend!"
- my orkut scrapbook and mailbox were flooded with messages from almost anyone I had contact with.
- a whole bunch of friends suddenly showed up at lunchtime, invited me to some gully cricket and then also plastered my face with cake all of a sudden.
- phone calls came at random times from around the world (okay, so there were only a couple of people from the US) wishing me on the occasion.
- some old collegemates came during the evening and discussed and exchanged notes --- that was seriously one of the best gifts I could get: the human touch.
- I gifted something to myself. Between all the humdrum in the evening, I quietly slipped out and went to the roof of the building with a little piece of cake in hand. Oh the night, the stars, the wind and the silence --- oh the full moon in all its heavenly glory. It was heavenly, really --- those 30 minutes I had with myself.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
You know its your birthday when
I knew it was my birthday when
Monday, October 22, 2007
Cute but stupid
Damn it feels like moving a block to come out of hibernation and post. For some days I feared this blog might turn out to be one of those things you start with enthusiasm and then gradually the fad goes away. But lets hope not. To all my readers and friends, Happy Dusshera and Subho Bijoya as the case be!
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As a kid, you can get away with a lot. Especially since you get to play the part of the cute and innocent kid, you can act stupid and do silly things, speak your mind out and act out the part of the chubby-faced angel and still be cuddled by everyone but without being chided for being so. For some people, including me, it took some time to realize that I was not a 'cute kid' any more --- that I had grown up.
I used to play the part of the cute guy many-a-times... the one who seems so innocent that he can't possibly be scheming against you. Many people believed me, a small fraction did not. And I knew inside that this small fraction was right: I just pretended to be so. So every time when I let that ice cream remain on my cheeks and 'unmindfully' keep trying to lick it off, or maybe every time when I sounded like a hurt child when someone refused me something, they fell for it. They fell for it when they saw the childish spring in my steps, the crazy talk in front of the movie theatre, and when I was playing the part of the court jester in the company of my friends --- male and female. I admit, they did not want me to be this way: they looked at my opinion with enough respect. But gradually I had made a fool of myself, playing the un-serious, frivolous kind even when the situation demanded something else. It got me attention, and that was enough for me. I thought I was getting liked, I thought I was getting attention, and that had me in the clouds for so long.
The illusion shattered, however, when I gradually looked at myself as a detached alter ego. I often wondered, why didn't people pay attention to things when I was serious? What was I lacking? And more importantly, why was I trying to place the blame on someone else? It was me who was responsible, all along, for making a clown of myself. Yes I had been cute, but I had also been stupid. And the more I reflected, the more I was disillusioned. "Look", I thought, "here I was, like a doormat for everyone else: and others used me for exactly that purpose: trampling on and wiping their feet on me". It wasn't their blame... it had been me. And the last nail in the coffin was when I met someone like me: the frivolous, enthusiastic kind. I saw in him a reflection of myself, and saw what was wrong. The Scorpio male in me reacted violently, and I recovered.
This was during the time I was in high school... when I let myself be this in the very short time be littled and clowned in whatever company. Plus I suppose the nerdy image I grew helped that anyway. But thankfully the revelation happened right before I went to my engineering college. I consciously tried to change my image. Not to be the nerd, the fool and the cute but stupid guy you can walk all over and he'll go in a corner and hang his head. I learnt to fight back, to love as an equal and to nurture the geekiness to the right things and not to being the jester. Humour, I realized, does not need to make a clown of yourself at every time --- there can be other subjects. And I don't need to play the innocent one at every confrontation: I had my parents earlier to protect me when I was a kid, but now I must stand up for myself. I have written earlier about this, and I write again --- my engineering college friends would laugh out wildly if they knew about me from my 11-12 friends, and vice versa, definitely. But thankfully I think that now I am what I have always wanted to be: an equal with that extra spark in the eye. I have learnt not to trade my self esteem for a joke, and also not to over-react to harmless banter. I'm still learning, but I'm closer to the goal than earlier, definitely.
-------------------
As a kid, you can get away with a lot. Especially since you get to play the part of the cute and innocent kid, you can act stupid and do silly things, speak your mind out and act out the part of the chubby-faced angel and still be cuddled by everyone but without being chided for being so. For some people, including me, it took some time to realize that I was not a 'cute kid' any more --- that I had grown up.
I used to play the part of the cute guy many-a-times... the one who seems so innocent that he can't possibly be scheming against you. Many people believed me, a small fraction did not. And I knew inside that this small fraction was right: I just pretended to be so. So every time when I let that ice cream remain on my cheeks and 'unmindfully' keep trying to lick it off, or maybe every time when I sounded like a hurt child when someone refused me something, they fell for it. They fell for it when they saw the childish spring in my steps, the crazy talk in front of the movie theatre, and when I was playing the part of the court jester in the company of my friends --- male and female. I admit, they did not want me to be this way: they looked at my opinion with enough respect. But gradually I had made a fool of myself, playing the un-serious, frivolous kind even when the situation demanded something else. It got me attention, and that was enough for me. I thought I was getting liked, I thought I was getting attention, and that had me in the clouds for so long.
The illusion shattered, however, when I gradually looked at myself as a detached alter ego. I often wondered, why didn't people pay attention to things when I was serious? What was I lacking? And more importantly, why was I trying to place the blame on someone else? It was me who was responsible, all along, for making a clown of myself. Yes I had been cute, but I had also been stupid. And the more I reflected, the more I was disillusioned. "Look", I thought, "here I was, like a doormat for everyone else: and others used me for exactly that purpose: trampling on and wiping their feet on me". It wasn't their blame... it had been me. And the last nail in the coffin was when I met someone like me: the frivolous, enthusiastic kind. I saw in him a reflection of myself, and saw what was wrong. The Scorpio male in me reacted violently, and I recovered.
This was during the time I was in high school... when I let myself be this in the very short time be littled and clowned in whatever company. Plus I suppose the nerdy image I grew helped that anyway. But thankfully the revelation happened right before I went to my engineering college. I consciously tried to change my image. Not to be the nerd, the fool and the cute but stupid guy you can walk all over and he'll go in a corner and hang his head. I learnt to fight back, to love as an equal and to nurture the geekiness to the right things and not to being the jester. Humour, I realized, does not need to make a clown of yourself at every time --- there can be other subjects. And I don't need to play the innocent one at every confrontation: I had my parents earlier to protect me when I was a kid, but now I must stand up for myself. I have written earlier about this, and I write again --- my engineering college friends would laugh out wildly if they knew about me from my 11-12 friends, and vice versa, definitely. But thankfully I think that now I am what I have always wanted to be: an equal with that extra spark in the eye. I have learnt not to trade my self esteem for a joke, and also not to over-react to harmless banter. I'm still learning, but I'm closer to the goal than earlier, definitely.
Monday, October 8, 2007
If only you knew
You had a lot of potential. Even if the resume does not paint a complete picture and a book cannot be judged by its cover, your resume was very impressive indeed. In person, you were much more impressive. Actually, the fact that you got admitted into one of the best places for your degree was testimony enough that you had what it took to make a difference, to change the world. But you've sent it all down the drain. And every single day, you seek approval of your fellow beings that you're actually not such a loser --- that you're welcome whenever/wherever you go.
Lets start at the beginning. You thought, rebelling against it all was the way to go, to break your nerdy image. So you rebelled. Got a flunky hair colour, stopped attending classes, lived off fast food that took away whatever money you had faster, and then when you were almost broke, you found a job and went for it. Of course, since you're a single bachelor, the job paid the bills. It still allows you to indulge yourself once in a while --- you buy every item that catches your fancy. But that is what it is, in the end: your fancy. You have never had had determination enough to see something through to its end. Actually, you used to have it. Before you decided to rebel, you used to be a good student, a nice man with a lot of social skills. Along came the revolution, and it took down everything that you ever held mighty.
You talk gibberish and try to sound intellectual. There are sparks of brilliance, I know... but what I better know is that you doused the rest of the fire in you trying to prove a point to no-one. You cook up fancy arguments, and you like to believe that when you have those arguments you're actually winning them. As it turns out, if you close your head to the point of view of everyone else, you can never be defeated in an argument --- you will perceive your own triumph every single time. No matter what others try to tell you, you will always think you won the shouting match. But do we really care? Unfortunately, no.
Look around you --- you've bought everything that caught your current fancy. Guitars, electronic musical keyboards, multiple computers and laptops, wireless keyboards, video cams: you bought them all. When they were new, you spent a couple of days fiddling with them and professing that you are going to be an expert in that. But soon the euphoria passed; and now you rarely use them, actually. Once you're past their golden charm, they're just as useless as the pebbles on the roadside. I just don't think, I know that you will never ever use any of them for anything useful.
Yes you've got money. But what you don't know about yourself is that the money you get isn't worth yourself. You have a lot more potential, and you are capable of much bigger things. Don't sell yourself short --- wake up! That little job isn't worth your brain: you can do much better! The ones you call friends around you are just birds of the fair weather: they are here for a share of the extra money that you have. Right now you may think that you're their hero because they agree with whatever you say. But once you are broke they will not stand by you --- they'll be gone faster than you think. Listen to people who point out your follies, and realize that they are the true friends. Don't drive away the little well-wishers you have with your boasts of the money you have --- when the ego shatters, the glass pierces every step you take. Alas, if only you knew!
Lets start at the beginning. You thought, rebelling against it all was the way to go, to break your nerdy image. So you rebelled. Got a flunky hair colour, stopped attending classes, lived off fast food that took away whatever money you had faster, and then when you were almost broke, you found a job and went for it. Of course, since you're a single bachelor, the job paid the bills. It still allows you to indulge yourself once in a while --- you buy every item that catches your fancy. But that is what it is, in the end: your fancy. You have never had had determination enough to see something through to its end. Actually, you used to have it. Before you decided to rebel, you used to be a good student, a nice man with a lot of social skills. Along came the revolution, and it took down everything that you ever held mighty.
You talk gibberish and try to sound intellectual. There are sparks of brilliance, I know... but what I better know is that you doused the rest of the fire in you trying to prove a point to no-one. You cook up fancy arguments, and you like to believe that when you have those arguments you're actually winning them. As it turns out, if you close your head to the point of view of everyone else, you can never be defeated in an argument --- you will perceive your own triumph every single time. No matter what others try to tell you, you will always think you won the shouting match. But do we really care? Unfortunately, no.
Look around you --- you've bought everything that caught your current fancy. Guitars, electronic musical keyboards, multiple computers and laptops, wireless keyboards, video cams: you bought them all. When they were new, you spent a couple of days fiddling with them and professing that you are going to be an expert in that. But soon the euphoria passed; and now you rarely use them, actually. Once you're past their golden charm, they're just as useless as the pebbles on the roadside. I just don't think, I know that you will never ever use any of them for anything useful.
Yes you've got money. But what you don't know about yourself is that the money you get isn't worth yourself. You have a lot more potential, and you are capable of much bigger things. Don't sell yourself short --- wake up! That little job isn't worth your brain: you can do much better! The ones you call friends around you are just birds of the fair weather: they are here for a share of the extra money that you have. Right now you may think that you're their hero because they agree with whatever you say. But once you are broke they will not stand by you --- they'll be gone faster than you think. Listen to people who point out your follies, and realize that they are the true friends. Don't drive away the little well-wishers you have with your boasts of the money you have --- when the ego shatters, the glass pierces every step you take. Alas, if only you knew!
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